What Kind of Hero Are You, Anyway?
by Davin Sunrider
Summary: Oneshot. Link is mercilessly mocked by a rather rude peasant in Hyrule Field after he gets lost. Zelda adaptation of a scene from 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail', not specific to any one game.


What kind of Hero are you, anyway?

Link, famed Hero of Hyrule, strolled through Hyrule Field, headed for Castle Town. He whistled a sprightly tune as he walked, full of cheer from his recent victories.

He looked up and discovered that he could no longer see the castle. He looked around suspiciously; something that big didn't just disappear. He retraced his steps along the path he was walking, only to find that he was now lost.

He spied a peasant pulling a cart, and decided to ask for directions. "I say there, old woman!"

The peasant stopped and turned to face him. "Man!" said the peasant irritably. "And I'm not old, I'm 37!"

"Oh, sorry. Could you tell me how to get to Hyrule Castle?"

"What's the matter, fairy man? Lost?"

Link scowled at the peasant. Why must people insist on calling him a fairy? Just because his pants were a little tight, and he had a funny hat on, was no excuse to call him names. He liked girls, and nothing else.

"Actually, I am. I would like directions to Castle Town, if you know the way."

"If you know the way!" said the peasant mockingly. "What kind of an imbecile are you? Everyone knows how to get to the castle! It's only the tallest building in Hyrule, for the Goddesses' sakes!" The peasant scoffed.

"Well, you can't see the castle from here, and I'm not sure if I'm going the right way. I would like directions, if you know the area."

"Ha! You're in real trouble if you're out wandering in an area you don't know. There's a war on, in case you didn't know. Little wimpy people like yourselves are likely to get killed by a Moblin or something."

Link was starting to get rather annoyed with this person. "Do you know who I am, peasant?"

The man stared at Link for a moment. "Nope. Some pansy adventurer type, no doubt. You probably haven't done anything worthwhile in your whole life, have you?" He started to turn away from Link, but spun back around suddenly. "And my name isn't 'Peasant', you arrogant fairy man! It's Dennis!"

"I'm sorry. I didn't know you were called Dennis."

"Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? See, that's what's wrong with our whole system. Irresponsible rich folks like yourself think they own the whole world and can just stop the working class whenever they want to ask for directions because they're too lazy to remember their own way home!" Dennis heaved a deep breath and continued. "Some day the lower classes are going to get tired of being trodden on by you rich people, and we're going to rise up and equalize the system!"

Link thought the man had an unusually large vocabulary for a peasant. "I see you feel very strongly about this, Dennis."

"You bet your gay green hat, I do. Now, who are supposed to be, other than a fairy man?" The peasant leaned against his cart and scratched his cheek with a grimy finger.

Link was incensed. He'd had quite enough of this person's insults, and he decided to put him in his place. "I am Link, the Hero! You'd be dead or enslaved if it weren't for me!"

Dennis raised a skeptical eyebrow at him. "Really? Who said you were the Hero? I don't remember voting for you."

"You don't vote for Heroes! They are chosen to become strong and defeat evil!"

"Hmph! I think the Goddesses would have chosen somebody a little less... scrawny."

That was possibly Dennis' worst insult yet. "I am not scrawny! I may be young, sir, but I assure you that I defeated Ganondorf and saved the land!"

Dennis looked at him pityingly. "Sure you did, fairy man. All right, how do you know you're the Hero?"

"I was able to pull the Master Sword, the Blade of Evil's Bane, out of its sacred resting place. Only the Hero can do that!" He showed the Master Sword to Dennis.

"Ha! That doesn't look very impressive for a legendary sword. It looks like a tin dagger you made yourself in your mommy's basement!. And besides, even if you did pull it out of a rock in the middle of the forest, who says that makes you the Hero?"

"Oh, be quiet! I'll just ask someone else for directions." Link turned away from the peasant, but Dennis caught hold of his arm and spun him back around.

"Supposing I pulled a knife out of a dead bear's arse? By your logic, that should make me the King!" Dennis was laughing at him now, displaying his yellow teeth. "I think you should be pulling this manure cart and _I_ should be gallivanting about the countryside, bothering hardworking people and asking stupid questions!"

"Goodbye, Dennis! I shall ask someone a little less rude for directions!"

"Oh, rude, am I? That's just like you rich people! A working man displays the slightest hint of independence and spirit, and you say he's getting uppity!"

Link had had quite enough of Dennis. "Be quiet!"

"Or what? You'll stick me with your cheap little sword, fairy man? Is the great and mighty adventurer getting irritated with the uppity peasant?!" Dennis was turning bright red now, and spittle flew from his mouth on his 'P's.

"In the name of Princess Zelda, be quiet!"

"Oh, the inner arrogance comes out! I knew it! I just knew that you were really a spoiled little prince or something, fairy man! Well, I'm not going to let you kick me around any more. I, Dennis the Manure Hauler, announce to you that I do not have to follow your orders!"

"Shut up! Shut up!" Link was now so irritated with Dennis that he actually struck the man.

"Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! That's how the rich keeps the working class under control, by beating us whenever we show spirit!"

"Bloody peasant!" Link struck Dennis several more times.

"Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!" Dennis was shouting at the top of his lungs now, and it was attracting attention.

However, he was attracting monsters and not other people. A Moblin leaped out from behind a large rock and threatened Dennis with a spear, growling loudly.

Link released the peasant and shoved him away, stepping aside as the Moblin picked up the peasant and pushed him, whole, into his mouth, swallowing noisily. The creature looked at Link, recognized him from a thrashing the Hero had given him a few weeks ago, and left hastily.

The Hero briefly regretted abandoning Dennis to such an unpleasant fate, but he shrugged and continued on the road. The world was better off without some people.


End file.
